She may have been intimately profiled by Annie Leibovitz in Vanity Fair but she claims she was a virgin up to her marriage and I say good luck to her.
Why not? Contrast her intelligence with the chavs and other sheep or with the teenage unfortunates press-ganged into it for peer acceptance or because of the bizarre moral compass of sex education advocates, most of whom are precisely the people not to offer any advice on the subject.
Strange as it may seem, a few people have now apparently read my novel and so it would seem mighty hypocritical to them that I’d be advocating virginity or at least “delayed relations”, a sort of “extended celibacy”.
We’re not talking religious celibacy here – we’re talking people who simply don’t wish to give it away to just anyone and to follow the herd in doing that. Of course, the definition needs establishing. If penetration is the sole criterion then that still allows intimacy to a great degree and that’s one situation in the book – the main character spends a lot of time in various states of closeness before ultimately … er … taking the plunge. [By the way, he does a lot of other things too in the meantime.]
As most readers of this blog are possibly not going to be virgins, it’s more a case of going back to a situation where less is more – we’re talking about the unmarried crew here. Unmarried can also mean divorcees and separatees.
The big thing is to resist the stigma and the sniggering from people who should know better and from others who never will or who are simply projecting their own frustrations. What the hell business is it of theirs anyway? Just don’t tell anyone, if it’s an issue. Upfront on this blog though, I’m going to state my case:
Quite apart from the diminishing pool of females even looking at me, there’s my own view that I simply don’t want it any more. This could be age or it could be pining for a certain lady in Russia, it could be the stress of circumstances at this time but I can tell you that the way I act when with a female surprises her – sure I get close but bedding her is not something I’m really looking at, not until we get further down the track and seem to be getting along fine, not the usual male reaction and one which makes her look at herself – is there something wrong? Do I have spinach in my teeth?
OK, getting along fine means being serious about one another, in my book. I don’t hold with those who subscribe to the “try before you buy” creed; you can get a very good idea indeed with the “up to but not quite including” creed.
I don’t see why penetration needs be the automatic après café behaviour – there’s a lot to be said for the huge range of activities two people can indulge in because whenever it does finally get to the inevitable, then even with variations, it is a one way track which has but one inexorable ending.
For me, sex is overrated when it is just the act and there’s unspoken semi-compulsion attached to it – surely the quality of the sex is directly related to the build-up before. Much is made of getting her in the mood but it can work both ways, you know.
I don’t want to be a hypocrite in this. There are certain women who simply can’t remain unapproached – they exude too much of the je ne sais quoi. If I see one of those I get the hell out of there because the pressure on the brain, the need to fight off every other male and the probable imbalance in the relationship is not of great interest to pursue. If you get involved with one of these, you can’t even relate properly anymore and that puts you in a subservient position.
I’m only advocating this sort of celibacy up front in the early days. If it becomes perfectly obvious that the two of you are an item and a long term item at that, then with the shackles off, the golden rule is simply “whenever it seems mutually right”. You know the type of thing – the wicked little glance, the glance returned.
You get what I’m driving at here – saying no, no, no, no, no to any form of compulsion, quota or expectation in this thing. I’m perfectly happy for her to regulate the supply after we get going because then we’ll get quality time every time, so it’s then just a case of being aware of the signals.
It’s the kids I worry about, they who have no experience enabling them to find mechanisms to say no and without the self-control to resist, unable to cope with their own libido, especially if piqued by a hero-satyr. It’s thus for any other vulnerable person as well.
Also, much is made of men’s incapacity to say no but from what I’ve seen of women, there’s also a point, long before the denouement, when “no” is not the thought uppermost in her mind and yet, as the Byrds sang: “A time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing.”
For me, Tina Fey, for it is her in the pic above in case you weren’t aware, is to be much admired for her stance and I only wish the vast majority of unmarrieds would subscribe to a similar philosophy.
Here’s a nice forum discussing this and the Tina Fey stand on the matter.