The bracelets and the emperor’s ennui

Courtesy of Angus:

A Michigan woman says the energy bracelets a Boca Raton-based company sells on late-night TV infomercials don’t do a bit of good, and she’s looking for a big payday.

Arjana Xexo has filed a lawsuit after she paid $19.90 plus $15.90 for shipping and handling for two iRenew bracelets that she was shocked to discover didn’t improve her health, according to the Palm Beach Post.

Xexo has filed a lawsuit, and her lawyer estimates damages at $5 million.

Here’s a little tale:

An eastern potentate, renowned for his riding skills and known to dance well into the night with a bevy of beautiful bombshells had gradually become worn down by affairs of state and approaching middle age, had fallen into ennui and taken to his sickbed.

He summoned all the chief physicians in the land and charged them, on pain of death, to concoct an elixir which would cure his current malaise.  Needless to say, many a physician had lost his head in the process until the renowned Saadiq was called before the Emperor.

His concoction was most specific and if deviated from in the slightest, the efficacious effects would be entirely negated:

On a bed of fenugreek leaves of the genus only to be collected in the late morning, one parasang to the east from the gardens of upper Fabaceae, add extract of fennel taken from the shore of the Apiaceae River, one half parasang to the south, only as the sun sets, together with extract of lotus root, only to be taken from the Lower Nuciferan Pond, one parasang to the west, in mid afternoon, mixed with chopped watercress, gathered mid morning from the Tropaeolum Pond. This mixture must be soaked in the early morning dew from the Madonna lily of the northern foothills, not one parasang from this palace and dew from the cultivated wild blue iris of the royal meadow on the route to the northern foothills.

Saadiq gave these final instructions: “Before each meal of meats, grains and fruits and copious drinks of spring water, over a period of eleven days only, inhale from a sandalwood bowl this concoction, freshly prepared no longer than twenty four hours after the collection of any ingredient and at the end of that time, you will be once again fit and healthy and not only that, sire but you will have extended your life by some five to seven years.”

The Emperor had his Grand Vizier direct the servants of the royal kitchens to gather these items, the instructions were followed to the letter but at the end of the eleven days, an angry Emperor sent for Saadiq and demanded to know why the charlatan should not be summarily executed in the courtyard henceforth.

Not only was the Emperor not feeling better but he had taken a turn for the worse.

Saadiq was dismayed and asked the Emperor to repeat, in detail, how each of the ingredients had been collected. Upon hearing this, he cried, “Ah, sire, it was imperative that you collected each and every ingredient by yourself, unaided and on foot.”

The physician was given eleven days reprieve and needless to say, the Emperor was cured, not only that but as he threw himself once more into the life of his nation, honours and gifts were heaped upon Saadiq for the mystery potion which had saved the life of the Emperor.

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4 comments for “The bracelets and the emperor’s ennui

  1. February 27, 2011 at 10:34

    I fail to see how $35.80 outlay becomes $5m in damages.

  2. funambulist
    February 27, 2011 at 11:27

    It’s a pity the well-known Judge Judy can’t deliberate on this one – I’m sure she’d have something to say that would leave Arjana’s ears ringing.

    I liked the little story, too – thank you.

  3. February 27, 2011 at 12:09

    You and I both, John.

    Funambulist – aye.

  4. February 27, 2011 at 22:00

    I would struggle to do all that collecting and work at the same time 😉 I do however manage a bit of a walk every day though 🙂

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