I’m just a gift to the women of this world

Yes, Sam, when you wrote that women hate you because you’re beautiful, I knew just what you meant.  After all, here’s my song:


Responsibility sits so hard on my shoulder – like a good wine, I’m better as I get older.

Susie Wong from Hong Kong commented today at the Mail but of course, as you and I know, Sam – Wong is Wrong:

I didn’t comment yesterday but today I cannot hold back. Even through the backlash she cannot reason that it isn’t jealousy that motivates so many to comment, but incredulity!

Sam, Sam, my balding pate is glistening – I’m sweating for you, girl – and my two and a half inch tadger is throbbing in anticipatory suspenders.

Oh, I’m all man, Ms Brick – these flaccid man boobs ache to bounce off yours, my paunch heaves up and down for you in concert – bounce yours off mine and let’s get this two-walruses-rutting thing going, in an explosion of ecstatic foreplay.

Join the women at this site, falling down at my feet avec nose plugs, crying: “James, James, one whiff of your garlic breath and unique, toe-crud foot aroma and I swoon.”

Sam, I swear, I’ve not had all that many rotted teeth removed and the black ones weren’t my fault anyway – that was down to discrimination in this cruel society which keeps you far away from me.

Tell me, turtle-dove, that you’ll be mine as soon as that hubby of yours shoots himself in error, doubled up as he must be with laughter and I promise I’ll trim some of my luxuriant nose hair and might even dewax my ears for your delectation – you can web-cam it and we’ll make a packet.

Sa-man-tha, light of my life, fire of my loins, my sin, my soul. Sa-man-tha: the tip of the tongue taking a tortuous trip of three steps round the mouth – abandon your pyriform womanhood to my atrophied arms and geriatric white flanks, lose yourself, enraptured, in gasping breath, hacking cough and deep expectoration, gift me a spiritual heart attack, Muse of the Mail and inherit my limitless estate!

Sam, Sam:

Here’s a stubbled cheek for your Cheshire cat lips, here’s a neck to gouge, let me grip those perfect love handles, give it to me today, woman, right here on this desktop!  Fear not, bewitching wench – embed those hickey fangs, let’s bathe in an abdominal-trampoline orgy of unfettered blood-lust.

Ooooooooh! [Aged pseudo-orgasmic cry of diminished faculties and forlorn hope, difficult to transcribe into prose and anyway, I only cleaned this keyboard yesterday]

Alas, ma Melpomine, you must remain eternally, for all men of maturity, not forgetting li’l old me, a wet-dream, a boys-own fantasy:


[P.S.  The Mail did that one very well actually and she seemed a good sport about it all.]

21 comments for “I’m just a gift to the women of this world

  1. WitteringsfromWitney
    April 4, 2012 at 21:01

    “I’m just a gift to the women of this world”

    For heavens sake James – know they place – get in line, do!

  2. MadPiper
    April 4, 2012 at 21:27

    Have Mercy! I can’t laugh any more!

    In any case, you can do better James. That woman is far from cute, let alone a beauty.

  3. April 4, 2012 at 21:27

    As I log in this time, it is Google ads and it is offering me a wine investment choices!!!

  4. April 4, 2012 at 21:30

    This comment should have been on your ads post 😉

    I clicked on the wrong thing:-)

  5. April 4, 2012 at 21:32

    Fair summary. I’d have assumed that men buy her drinks out of pity because they feel sorry for her being so ugly and lonely, just goes to show how wrong I can be sometimes.

  6. April 4, 2012 at 21:47

    Don’t you just pine for her?

  7. Wolfie
    April 5, 2012 at 00:00

    The Mail has made a fortune from advertiser analytics thanks to this woman.

    She may have to hide her face in public now but she’s made a tidy sum at your expense.

  8. April 5, 2012 at 03:48

    Hence my final comment under the last clip.

  9. April 5, 2012 at 04:07

    I could just say that she is… meh, an iffy “6”, but it’s all too clear that this is just newspapers grasping for link-bait.

    That being said, what women today do not realise is that a horrendous personality actually subtracts from you’re being a “6”. I’m aware that math is difficult, but one should have no trouble seeing what is obvious to the majority.

  10. April 5, 2012 at 04:53

    Completely agree – the personality, after she’s not exactly Frankenstein’s monster, which is all anyone can hope for, is the most vital thing.

    I’ve known some beautiful women, in terms of their shells but you’d not bother once they opened their mouths and it’s immediately in the walk and the values.

    I knew an American lady who was a bit on the beamy side but she said her personality trumped that.

    It didn’t – she was vicious and hyperdefensive, causing even greater obesity. She’s alone of course.

    I knew another American lady who was wide of beam and she was the nicest person. She’s married with kids [she was my gf for a while].

    A person’s personality really does alter even the physical features and if he/she also lets him/herself go, then that’s the beginning of the end – a life of loneliness.

    The 9 or 10 who’s an utter bitch is, for me and probably for you, a 3 or 4 in real terms – you might contemplate it for a night but as she sees you as unworthy anyway, it’s a self-actualizing process.

    I don’t believe this woman is for real – it seems a DM ploy, as Wolfie says. If she was real though …poor, sad girl.

    [And for the ladies, e.g. Moggsy, I include men in this too – it cuts both ways.]

  11. Moggsy
    April 5, 2012 at 08:10

    James! You are so gross!

    Well this lady is certaily not ugly. But she must have taken her rose tinted glasses off for the photo op if that pic is her.

    Unless the pic is a really bad moment she looks averagely ok to me. You would pass better looking people on the average street. in lots of places. In fact there are better looking people I work with.

    Still in my experience attractiveness is only partly looks, the most of it is in how you carry yourself, how you behave, how you dress, look after yourself, if you engage with people, your personality.

    To give her the benefit of the doubt maybe she is vivacious and quite sexy and that boosts her attractiveness?

  12. Rossa
    April 5, 2012 at 08:42

    Mmm…nice photo of your 5 o’clock shadow James. Generous mouth too though not all your commenters appreciate what comes out of it sometimes.

    What an elegant turn of phrase today.

    R x

  13. April 5, 2012 at 09:26

    5 o’clock shadow

    Rossa, please! Designer stubble if you don’t mind!

    not all your commenters appreciate what comes out of it sometimes

    Ah but only good comes out of my mouth [and goes in] – bile comes through my typing fingers.

    What an elegant turn of phrase today

    One tries on occasions. In fact, on occasions, one is very trying indeed.

  14. ubermouth
    April 5, 2012 at 09:51

    I agree with Moggsy. I don’t know who the woman is but she looks okay to me. Sorry James, but I think that you’re actually the [catty]bitch in this story. 🙂

    I quit smoking last year so I am now perfect myself. 🙂

  15. April 5, 2012 at 17:07

    Ooooh, scratch yer little eyes out. Miaow. Well, of course you agree with Moggsy – QED. 😉

  16. Moggsy
    April 10, 2012 at 06:55

    Hu? Did I do something bad?

  17. April 10, 2012 at 10:29

    Not unless a female perspective is bad, Moggsy.

  18. Moggsy
    April 11, 2012 at 06:41

    James, You see that’s where I just get confused. I can’t tell if you are getting on my/our cases or not. Are you saying the female perspective is bad in this case… or generally? If so what one?

    All we said was based on the pic she looked ok but not awsome crazy making looks. Not being mean, just rational

  19. April 11, 2012 at 06:57

    No, I was asking if you thought it was.

  20. Moggsy
    April 11, 2012 at 08:45

    Well I guess it depends on what particular female perspective you are talking about.. or male one really. Neither are like some set thing. It depends on the individuals.

    Maybe you can get a sort of average/bell curve? I guess it depends on how perceptive a person is, what predudices and hang ups they have and what agenda and politics and how authoritarian they happen to be.

    I would say that generally women’s perspective, if it is different from Men’s, is probably mostly different because of Physical differences.

    Like being generally smaller and weaker than men, being the ones to have babies and having to take responsibility for them. How that all combines to make a person see things and what strategies a person used to manage that.

    Having two perspectives lets humanity see depth provided they don’t insist on wearing an eyepatch.

  21. Moggsy
    April 11, 2012 at 08:49

    Oh.. and another biological difference… how women always know who the mother of their child is.. as long as the hospital does not mess things up ^_^ And can’t have dozens and dozens of kids in different towns, unless they are egg donors ^_^.

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