The age gap [1]

Let’s say in all honesty that you weren’t hitting on a young lady or doing the cougar, that it wasn’t for money, prestige or street cred, that it wasn’t deliberately casual and/or short term.  Let’s say it was in no way predatory and not through a dating site.

Let’s say the two of you just found yourself embroiled in something and couldn’t escape it, that there are at least some mutual interests and that all important buzz.  There are still things to consider.

1. The compatibility rule

Compatibility doesn’t just mean mutual interests – it means physically as well.  No matter how toned a man can remain into his 40s, going to the gym etc., he still can’t hide that he’s not 25, his neck gives him away, his spine is slightly more curved – there are various indicators.

Especially when he’s asleep and she’s looking over at him snoring.  He also can’t act in that sharp, brash way the young man can, he doesn’t have the sperm count and his rhythm is different, his speed is different.

He laughs at different things, in a different way, he’s not as outrageous in a young way.  He likes his peace and quiet more.  He places more sane constructions on things and is not as idealistic on the whole.

And unless those were the very things she was after when she fell, they’re seriously going to get in the way as the first fire dies with one of the two – usually the younger.

Having been there a couple of times, on the edge of the age gap and hoping to make it work, those things can be swept under the carpet early, she can dress you to be more presentable, coach you how to go about it all but it’s still an uphill battle, no matter how debonair, how charming, how caring.

And what of her friends [or his if you're the older woman]?  We will ourselves to believe it’s OK but do you really want to be clubbing for the next 20 years, through to dawn several times a week, plus hold down a job?  At 25 maybe.  At 45?  It’s eventually a hiding to nothing.

And what about that all important empathy – being able to mutually feel things?

2. The half plus seven rule

Taking Olivier Sarkozy [42] and Mary-Kate Olssen [25] and applying the half-plus-seven to that, it gives us 42 divided by 2 = 21 plus 7 = 28 and that rule therefore makes either Ms Olsen a tad too young or M. Sarkozy a tad too old.  Conversely, she’s take seven times two = 36 upper limit for the guy, so that’s even worse.

It also applies in the Goldsnith/Rothschild case.

The half plus seven rule works in the middle and at the lower end.  For example, 14-14, 18-16, 24-19, 30-22, 40-27, 50-32.  After that, it ceases to make sense.  80-47?  Not really.  This gets into the absolute limits.

3. The absolute age limit rule

The lower end takes care of itself – 14-14.  The upper end is maybe 50 to 55, after which the gap has to close.  For example, 40-27 is perhaps OK, all other things being equal but 60-37?

60 has to look at her oldest age she’d want kids and it’s somewhere around there.  That means you’d be playing football with the kid at 75/76 years of age and going with your kids everywhere.  Stamina?

And how fair is that to her or to them?  Let alone health issues.  One can’t be selfish here.

4.  Be accepted for what you are rule

There was a situation when my gf’s friend was being collected by her new guy and when he came in, it was embarrassing, not just because he was not far short of my age.  What made it bad was that he was dressed in what he thought was a young style and was clearly trying to act young, bouncing around and using jargon he thought young people used.

It was better he hadn’t even tried.  I saw the glances between the two girls and winced.  That guy obviously had money, had the physical and needed to play to those.  She didn’t need him trying to be what he was not.  For some reason, the older, maybe trying to prolong youth, I don’t know, tries to dress and act that way.

It’s sad the way the two pictured in this post are dressing at that age.   They shouldn’t be trying to act alluring/frisky/promiscuous to another age range because sorry but it just ain’t hot.  It’s embarrassing.

Those ladies should be playing to their strengths – elegance, grace, maturity, urbanity.  They seriously need to think what the traits are which the younger is looking for.

I think that behaviour’s fine for 50-43 perhaps – two peers in other words.  They can both act the fool in their own home and no one’s embarrassed.  But 47-29 – it’s just not on, no matter how happy the older is.

Why do women think that going the cougar route, wrinkled or scrawny neck, boobs hanging out or with botox-marred brow and lurid clothes would be remotely alluring to the young?  Why would 60 year old men think anyone under 30 would be remotely enticed by their gym-produced “youthfulness”?  A woman 45-55 might be fine with it but someone in her 20s knows he can’t cut it as much and doesn’t even need him to.

5.  The don’t make rules rule

If, despite being well aware of all of the above, it still happens and there’s an unfortunate age range, then the motives really need to be looked at and both need to be fully aware of the downside.  If it still goes ahead, I say good luck – wonders happen every day.

One thing which sustained us for so long was simply that everyone was down on us.  Younger guys were constantly trying to pry her away, I received a couple of overtures to pry me away, family were anti.  It extended the shelf-life but ultimately there wasn’t enough – hesitate to say not enough boxes ticked – to continue.

Especially when the pressures and grievances all couples go through kicked in – they’re far harder when the ages are disparate.  And I lost her to someone my age, not a younger man.

Depends on the two of them themselves – yes, I know.  Can’t extrapolate my experience.  Even so – the wider the gap, the more the post above becomes relevant.  Sean wisely said no in the film but at the end, he succumbed.  Who wouldn’t?  There was no Entrapment 2.

7 Responses to “The age gap [1]”

  1. JD June 15, 2012 at 11:20 Permalink

    going to the gym
    wot?

    real men don’t go to the gym :)

    (The name comes from the Ancient Greek term gymnós meaning “naked”.)

  2. JD June 15, 2012 at 11:21 Permalink

    p.s.
    you worry too much
    :)

  3. Tom June 15, 2012 at 12:30 Permalink

    The only rule is that there are no rules, surely? Marriages of age equals fail reliably enough. Are we sure May/September relationships fail at a higher rate?

    Here’s a really horrible thought. I read somewhere that the average American marriage lasts as long now as it did in the 19th Century. It’s just that, rather than divorce and remarry, the women then often died in childbirth or either party died from the many diseases that were more dangerous then.

    It sounds cynical perhaps, but May/September relationships just won’t have to stand the test of time, will they?

  4. James Higham June 15, 2012 at 13:26 Permalink

    JD – hmmm.

    Tom – you cynic, you.

  5. CherryPie June 15, 2012 at 21:04 Permalink

    You do worry too much and Tom does have a point there ;-)

  6. Wolfie June 17, 2012 at 16:01 Permalink

    Money solves a lot of these problems.

  7. James Higham June 18, 2012 at 06:28 Permalink

    Does indeed and to be fair, if we’re to be the providers, i.e. we like that family model, then we need to provide.

    As for worrying too much, I told my mate yesterday that some folk had said I worry too much. Moi? He’s been saying it for years. ;-)

Leave a Reply

Please copy the string MvzuP1 to the field below: