There are many things, these days, that have the power to strike true fear into the heart of the decent Parent (single or otherwise). A midday phone call from the school, at this time of year, is surely top that list.
It means you have failed. It means, no matter how hard you tried, your child has still fallen victim to that most dreaded of all childhood predators, The Back to School Bug.
Here’s how it went today- 10.47am -
“Bring Bring”, I glance at my mobile, see ‘Big School’ flashing on the screen, and sigh, a deep, deep sigh.
“Hi, is that child XXXXX’s Mother?”
“It might be, depends”
“Child XXXXX has just puked all over the sickroom and Matrons shoes too, could you come get him, She’s really pissed.”
“I’m shocked, really I am. Not. Sigh. I’m on my way”. Click.
And so, off I go, again, for the tenth year running, to scoop up and catch the result of modern parents, who spend a shocking amount of time worrying about paedos, child catchers, manic drivers and the like, yet can’t be bothered to teach their children to wash their bloody hands, nor keep them off school if they happen to puke midweek.
Back to School bugs are a very real thing. They spread fast and nasty. In my many, many years of experience the real culprits are almost always the same. They are children that puked during the evening, and whose parents sent them back to school the next morning (I hate to say it but child care for sick kids is almost impossible).
They always spout the same bloody rubbish, it was a 24 hr bug, their fine now, blah de blah de blah. Yes they are fine, now, sadly, they have managed, in that 24 hrs, to pass the bug onto everyone else that touched anything they did and now everyone is puking.
For the last ten years I have maintained that if one of my children puked, all of my children would take the next 48 hrs off school. No point in spreading it around, is there?. Today, I decided for the first time to phone the schools to ask if this was the right thing to do. Apparently not. Both schools said to send them in, they were willing to take their chances, if they started to puke they would call me.
Er no. I don’t think so. It will be a long weekend for us, all kids off school tomorrow. Am I buggery going to send my kids to school, with the knowledge that they might start puking at any time, and even worse, infect everyone else they come into contact with before they do so. I’ll leave that to the shitty, arsehole parents that send their sick kids to school, even though they know they puked. Yes, I have work tomorrow, no I won’t be going. I’ll call a sick day, or if needs be, lose a days pay.
This back to school, puke if you gotta, my job’s way more important than all the other people my child may infect with his nasty ass Norovirus/Ebola/plague shit is getting old. Fast.
I am bored to shit with spending every September listening to your whiney arse bollocks about how you almost had to hire a Nanny to look after poor, sick, Jeremiah, but he rallied at the last minute so you didn’t miss a days work.
Whilst every one else around you, and their children, continue to puke, thanks to your shitty parenting skills and shocking hygiene.