You know about The Onion, you know about The Daily Mash. Here’s the military version:
The commander of 2nd Stryker Brigade, 2nd Infantry Division, was proud that his unit would be the first to acquire the new, high-quality, piece of shit.
“It’s a great day for us here. The Army has spent over $50 million in R&D on this new thing that doesn’t work at all and we’re the first to have our soldiers not use it,” said Colonel Charles Winston. “The new piece of equipment, dubbed the M404, doesn’t do anything at all and we couldn’t be prouder to have it first to show the rest of the world how incapable this new thing is.”
Thomas Burns, an adviser to the Army who works for Xegis Solutions, had a hand in the M404′s development.
“General Odierno came to us and said, ‘the Army needs something that’s new and expensive. We’ve got about $80 million extra just lying around.’,” said Burns. “I just went from there and made a large crate with no handles that weighs 650lbs. The inside is mostly concrete, and the outside is made out of slick teflon coating that’s also considered stealth technology. That’s where most of our budget went.”
Burns believes the “low speed, high drag” piece of gear is exactly what the Army needs.