UPS maintenance

Saw this:

ups fix

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a “gripe sheet” which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (“P”) and solutions recorded (“S”) by maintenance engineers:

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

4 comments for “UPS maintenance

  1. FrankH
    February 25, 2016 at 20:20

    Recycling at its best. Some of those I remember from my time in the RAF over 40 years ago and they were absolutely genuine then as well. đŸ˜‰

    • February 25, 2016 at 22:21

      Liked this one:

      P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
      S: That’s what friction locks are for.

      • Rossa
        February 26, 2016 at 07:24

        My favourite is mouse in cockpit, cat installed…lol

  2. February 26, 2016 at 02:45

    I recall the ‘line book’ at Biggin Hill, Officer and Aircrew Selection Centre. (I was a Board Officer there for a while). We interviewed and rigourously tested candidates for the RAF there. One young female board officer who was known for her ‘informal’ techniques was overheard saying that she “could get a lot out of a young man, up and down on the grass outside the hangars” That went in the book for posterity.

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