Scoop: nourishing obscurity staff finally exposed!

For days now, the staff at N.O. have been trying to dig out enough shots of our HQ, board meetings, Christmas parties etc. etc., to cobble together a publishable, pre-Christmas, no holds barred post about life at N.O.

We singularly and comprehensively failed, in line with the N.O. mission statement:

‘They said it couldn’t be done, so we didn’t do it.’

And one of our engineers submitted our patron lady Mia Hamm’s words of wisdom which we’ve adopted as our tagline, it’s peculiarly relevant to our HQ:

I am building a fire, and everyday  I add more fuel.  At just the right moment, I light the match.

1. Here’s our HQ, where all the important decisions are taken and where we attempt to negotiate our way to the company bar.  Puts new Google, Amazon and Apple HQs to shame, no?

You’ll have noticed, of course, the small crematorium behind the main building for our deceased staff and readers, it also doubles as the BBQ for works parties.

You’ll have also noticed in these pages the constant references to ‘rustic’ design as a summum bonum – this post puts it in perspective.

One of our engineers drily mumbled:

‘If builders built buildings the way that programmers write programmes, the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilisation.’

Which tells you all you need to know about the N.O. penchant for derivative aphorisms, no matter what the context.  Indeed, as one of our crew noted:

The Peter Shickeles line on PDQ Bach is relevant here – ‘His plagiarism was limited only by his faulty technique.’

2.  Our company vehicles need to have all mod-cons for those longhaul assignments [we do tend to get around the world], replete, naturally, with bar.  That’s not one of our many havens behind, too snazzy altogether:

Note the girly foliage on the windowsill, we’re thinking of adding English Ivy but she wants none on’t [boom boom, badum tish].

3.  Much mention has been made that, if we’re so busy news and story gathering, how do we find time for anything else … such as wimmin?

Especially in the case of the CBW [chief bottle washer] who, whenever he approaches some toothsome filly, she takes one look, screams ‘get thee behind me satan’ or some such and tears off across the fields.

However, certain of our members do get the opportunity and here’s one of the N.O. WAGs in all her glory.  She was only in hospital a brief time [we breed em tough round our parts] and the foot is healing nicely.

4.  Many have asked what our modus operandi is, what the method is that we use in getting these things to the reader six times a day.  Simple, and we call it ‘herding cats’.

Cats have a lot to do with it.

We adopted the cat as our mascot but someone with a dog wanted it to be a dog and it was a very big dog, threateningly so, therefore our mascot is now a dog … or a cat.

That’s the N.O. way.

5.  We do have a motto in case you’re interested:

Peace, Justice and the Deplorable way of life.

Derivative?  Nous?

6.  Our patron and the hidden driver of N.O. behind the scenes is [genuinely] aristocratic and naturally, does not wish it to be known that he associates with this ragtag of rednecks and engineers in any way, shape or form.

To quote:

Don’t make it too ott or flippant, keep it dry and almost plausible.

We’ve probably managed to do that, would you not say?

Just in case, the official story is linked to below but be warned – it’s rather a dry read:

There are actually two of our patron, to make matters worse, and they can often be found gazing at the moon on clear nights from mountain tops.

Hope this post has cleared up any misconceptions for our trusty readers.  From all of us here at N.O., have a splendid day and we hope you survive it.

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7 comments for “Scoop: nourishing obscurity staff finally exposed!

  1. The Blocked Dwarf
    November 28, 2017 at 14:28

    Do seems some kind person has done composed a Xmas song jus’ fer y’alls at N.O

    • November 28, 2017 at 15:29

      It was all coming together until that “Happy Holidays” which we don’t do here, we do Christmas.

  2. James Wilson
    November 29, 2017 at 10:19

    Headquarters looks to have been made under the influence. Is this the American branch in Appalachia?

    • Chuckles
      November 29, 2017 at 10:47

      Since it is used by people permanently under the influence, it seemed only fitting that it be designed and built by similar people.
      Certainly give most UK councils a run for their money in the architecture stakes?

    • August 15, 2019 at 19:02

      Appalachian foothills actually.

  3. December 1, 2017 at 06:28

    I hope the HQ has a lift. Your recent heart problems require a bit of pampering.

    • December 1, 2017 at 08:44

      And they’re definitely getting some nice pampering every two days – must say I’m enjoying it all immensely.

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