There are people who have fake ailments and who put on an act for any number of reasons, from benefits to attention. There are then those of us on this side of politics who give most malingering short shrift – people have to stand on their own two feet etc.
That’s fine and I agree but sometimes there are things, genuine things and I’m going to describe one of mine because something came up I read about.
I have a severe case of “have to get out, have to get away”.
I’ve always had it. An example from Russia. We went to a film and first ate in the cafe. I wasn’t fussed about the film but in the cafe, I couldn’t handle it any more and the worst sinus attack I’ve ever had came on, I had to get out of there and did.
Surprisingly, she knew but it still wasn’t great behaviour on my part in front of a lady. But to be brutally honest, what brought it on was that I felt trapped. I was “expected” to sit there, making small talk – if we’d been having a row, I bet it wouldn’t have happened. We of course put it down to the smoke and the film was OK – Anthony Zimmer with Sophie Marceau – so between Marceau and my lady, there were no further occurrences.
It took 15 minutes to recover and during that time, it was very real, quite physically so, not put-on in the least. And that’s the thing – the mind can trigger physical things quite easily. And that is why I always go into medical situations making jokes.
For some reason, when I had to do these symposia and conferences over in Russia, often up on stage sitting in a row with all the other dignitaries, couldn’t escape, I was fine. I was not even worried about the speech [I always had a particular lady as my translator], so that was not an issue – that was work, it was business, it was the project in hand.
No, it was in social situations that I had the issue and so I’d always have to ask the lady if she’d come onto the balcony, that sort of thing – I could only deal one-on-one. Now I see you looking upwards and I fully admit that that factor was there – of course I was trying it on.
But there was also that other thing lurking back there, it would well up and I had to get out. By myself or with someone, didn’t matter, although with someone was preferable.
Dancing – hate it. However, if comfortable with someone who likes me and who is a bit crazy too, I can start crazily dancing or close-in dancing, whatever, coz I’m not thinking it through. I love dancing but not when judgemental eyes are on me. If I’ve started the wild dancing – used to love the rose between the teeth biz – then obviously people are watching and it’s fine. Is that insane?
What I’m saying, bottom line, is that things sometimes appear to be the product of someone’s whim, someone’s peccadillo, his own bloodymindedness, his anti-social attitude, even his wanting his own way.
I swear that though those things may be present, it’s mainly this other factor that rules, this fear of being trapped in a social situation I can’t escape. With one other person at a time, I’m fine socially, I can spend days with that person without the slightest issue, doing what she wants, not what I want.
No, it’s always been the social expectation which has gripped me from the back of the neck, working its way forward. Now you can call that insane and I’d agree if that meant I couldn’t relate to you, dear reader … but I can relate to you as you know and thus that’s not an issue.
In business, on a blog, you can press me all you want because a rhinoceros has no thicker hide than I do when in action, on a roll … it’s only in a relaxed social scene where there is this element of, “I have to get the hell out of here.”
Which plays merry havoc with one’s personal life.
Now, one last thing – have a look at all the blog headers N.O. has used and every time, if you look, you see a foreground scene taking up most of the space, usually set in a room [not always] and then there is always an escape route – something “out there”, “something beyond”, somewhere I can escape to.
You have any eccentricity like that yourself you can bring yourself to mention? Axe murderer? Whatever?